Unsolicited advice to my 18 year old self
Dedicated to my brilliant Olympia Snowe Women’s Leadership students, on the cusp of their high-school graduation
Cultivate self-regard because it will allow you to make the tough decisions that are in your best interest. Doing what is right for you will enable you to better serve the world.
Every human being grapples with feelings of shame and guilt and it can be easy to think they are the same thing; however, the brilliant Brené Brown teaches that shame tries to make us believe that we are bad; whereas, guilt alerts us when we do something bad. Guilt does not require self-loathing but shame does. Guilt informs us when we need to learn and grow; shame wants to tell us that we are a lost cause so we shouldn’t bother trying. Guilt is a teacher, not a tormentor. If you feel paralyzed by guilt, it’s probably shame in disguise. Listen to guilt; expose shame. And remember that guilt and shame are often woven together, it may take time to untangle the two but it is worth the effort.
Life is precious and you deserve to find the peace that you seek. Be willing to listen to your inner wisdom that can alert you when you need to apologize, rectify a wrong, take better care of yourself, forgive or take more responsibility for your time and choices.
Sometimes we agonize over mistakes that we couldn’t possibly have avoided due to the limitations of our age or level of experience. I don’t expect my two year old son to do everything that my five year old can do because developmentally, he’s not yet capable of the same things. Many things in life require experience, maturity and skills that we cannot have until we have first walked through the fire. Be patient with yourself.
Mistakes are what unite us as humans- your weaknesses, embarrassments and struggles are what make you just like the rest of us. When looking at your own humanity, may you learn to connect more deeply with yourself, your community and your loved ones rather than allowing it to isolate you.
Some things benefit greatly from professional expertise; never believe you are lesser for seeking mental health interventions from trained professionals, cleaning services when you are overwhelmed or tax help from a certified accountant. We can’t all be experts in everything. When you can’t afford professional help and you need it, look to your college and community centers for resource referrals.
Our shadow selves have a purpose; when we acknowledge them, we can find meaning in striving for the good and kind. Our shadow selves show us what could be if we succumb to cruelty and neglect; learn to walk in the light of growth, cultivate intelligence through lifelong learning and education both formal and informal, secular and moral; let art, music, paintings, movies, dance and books uplift and enlighten you and make you laugh. Engage in the struggle to articulate what makes life worthwhile.
There is a season for most things. My Grandma James had eight children, 21 grandchildren, 44 great-grandchildren, a long and successful career in the banking industry, and a loving marriage. When she retired, she pursued her passion of hiking by trekking in the Himalayas where she fell in love with the people of Nepal. She has now spent well over twenty years leading treks, directing large scale non-profit initiatives and living part time in Kathmandu. She celebrated her 75th birthday at the base camp of Mt Everest. She helps me remember what the comedian Bridget Everett told Jimmy Fallon that LL Cool J told Oprah: DDHD (Dreams Don’t Have Deadlines). These early years of adulthood can ideally prepare you for a lifetime of meaningful endeavors. The sacrifices you make now will affect the freedom you have in the future. By acting today as if you want the very best for your future self, you don’t have to worry about tomorrow because it will take care of itself. Manage the workload you have today as best as you can and you will inevitably become prepared to take on more interesting, exciting and meaningful things tomorrow. Your journey may not be linear; don’t lose hope.
Pursue a profession. If there is an industry or sector you are drawn to, be willing to start at the entry level and work your way up. All experience provides transferable skills. Be proud of the work you do today, it will qualify you to take on more in the future.
When choosing a life partner and your closest friends, look for two things: kindness and competence. Develop the attributes of kindness and competence in your own personality while striving to remain kind to the incompetence and unkindness within us all.
Learn to respect your and other’s boundaries. Read “The Power of a Positive No” by William Ury. Learn that whenever you say yes to one thing, you are simultaneously saying no to another. Learn to first say yes to your deepest values and priorities.
Be a good citizen of the country where you reside by voting, paying your taxes and doing your part in whatever capacity you can. Everything counts. Your efforts may feel small but remember that each coin added to a growing heap, eventually creates great wealth.
Look at your money, deposit your checks, open your mail, be honest about how much you have. Quickly forgive yourself for any blunders you will inevitably make with your money. Cut your losses, learn and press on. Be grateful, so grateful, for all that you have. Financial freedom is an amazing gift but most of us need help to learn how to gain it. Your greatest challenge and most important skill in this field will be to spend less than you earn. Learn now how to live within your means. Take advantage of scholarships and student loans and graciously accept help your family may or may not extend to you. You are worth the investment and your education is a worthy use of borrowed funds. Believe in your ability to figure out how to finance your life and plan how to become financially independent and generous to those in need.
Read, write, show up to your college classes, hand in assignments on time because done is better than perfect, ask questions early on and often, and please protect your precious prefrontal cortex by abstaining as much as you can from alcohol, drugs and tobacco. You are still developing, baby yourself, protect yourself from anything that could stunt your intellectual and spiritual growth. Get help if you need it. Above all else, remember that you matter, your life is beautiful simply because you exist; you (and everyone) are the literal embodiment of the miracle of life. Learn to find meaning in your existence and find joy in gaining skills and fortitude. See the good that’s already all around you. Appreciate your opportunities, no matter how small, they are your stepping stones.
You got this.
Thank you to the Olympia Snowe Women’s Leadership Institute for the incredible opportunity to mentor young women for the past three years and to connect with so many outstanding professionals committed to lifting up the next generation of leaders in Maine.